(if their event gets approved by the Olympic Committee)
You’ve probably never heard of the South America Republic of El Guacador. It’s so tiny it doesn’t appear on most maps — but mostly because the government officials couldn’t afford enough Guacos (the national currency) to bribe cartographers to include the country in their maps.
The country is most known for its avocado production and the avocados are prized ingredients in the national food — you guessed it — guacamole.
(A little known New Mexico connection is the use of a special variety of chile grown in Hatch instead of jalapenos for El Guacador’s prized guacamole recipe. A unique variety was originally named “GuacaHatchee.” However, an attorney for the town of Waxahachie, Texas, claimed the name was too similar to his town’s name and filed an injunction forcing the chile producer to drop the moniker They settled on the disturbingly mundane name “Chile Verde Muy Caliente” instead.)
Two years ago, following the 2022 Winter Olympics in China, Horencio “El Chunko” Hinojosa, the portly prime minister/dictator of the tiny nation, decided he would put his country on the map by entering the Olympics and competing in the bobsled, like Jamaica had done years earlier. They acquired the original Jamaican bobsled and refurbished it, using buckets of fiberglass, discarded rails from the nations’ only six-mile long railroad and suspension springs from their only remaining military vehicle, a 1964 Toyota Tacoma pickup.
They planned to train on Mount Chamberinocosta, an inactive volcano which received snowfall on its northern flanks only two or three times per year. That was working out well because the mountain had received extra snowfall this winter season — which of course is the summer season for those of us in the northern hemisphere.
But while training had begun, El Chunko’s top lieutentant noticed that the 2024 Olympics planned in Paris were actually summer games — putting a major dent in the small nation’s plan for bobsled Olympic glory in a wintertime discipline.
It was time to rethink the El Guacador Olympic plan and find a sport in which they could be competitive.
They thought of crew racing, but when they tried to float a racing shell in Lake Toxicata — the small lake in the center of the crater of Mount Chamberinocosta — it burst into flames and then disintegrated because of the toxic residue in the water from previous volcanic eruptions. They next considered swimming, but if they practiced in Lake Toxicata, they would have to wear two-inch thick rubber swimsuits to protect them from the ravages of the water. Water polo wasn’t much better as the ball would explode seconds after being introduced to the water in the lake.
Fearing failure, El Cunko asked the best minds in his country to come up with a solution.
“Why not resurrect one of the Olympic games that had once been featured in the summer games but was abandoned,” suggested his top lieutenant. “We will have to petition the International Olympic Committee to add the event to this summer’s games.”
“Brilliant,” replied El Chunko who immediately assigned a team from his staff to research what games might have been played years ago in the Olympics.
Surprisingly, they found three possible games that ironically had been played in the 1900 Paris Olympics. They were croquette, live pigeon shooting and pistol shooting (You can look up this information on line if you don’t believe me.)
Croquette was voted out because the one and only time it was played in the Olympics, only one person showed up and paid to watch the event.
Pigeon shooting (yes — really) was quickly dismissed because the pigeon was the revered national bird of El Guacador. It was also feared that if pigeon shooters practiced their skills near the famous avocado orchards, the fruit would be tainted by splattered pigeon parts, feathers and the ensuing flying pigeon poop.
So it has come down to pistol shooting, which in a way, perfectly suited the country. The avocado cartel in El Guacador was extremely protective of the nation’s famous crop and lieutenants were skilled in using pistols to put down any attempt to steal the prized fruit or muscle in on their turf.
As your every focused reporter, I am following the appeal by the Republic of El Guacador to the International Olympic Committee to add pistol shooting to the 2024 games in Paris. If added, the event would likely be held right before closing ceremonies in a far way rural location so as not to create panic during the closing moments of what has been an otherwise spectacular event.
Stay tuned for more details.
(And remember, dear readers, that when I began writing my blog several years ago, I said I might occasionally stretch the truth to make a good story. And there is always a kernel of truth somewhere in what I write.)
aero-cordero.com 